The BP oil spill in the Gulf is horrible.What’s happening to the people, the wildlife and economy is terrible and BP should be made to pay through the nose for what they have done. But they say when life throws you a lemon, make lemonade. Philippe Cousteau, you are my tall, tall drink of lemonade. Yikes! Where have you been hiding all these years? It’s awful, I know, but I find myself going from coverage to coverage in hopes of seeing him. I want this oil crisis resolved as much as the next person…but what will I do without him? What about the levels of lead in the DC water supply? Our President drinks, showers and bathes from this water. I think Philippe needs to come to DC stat and cover this potential crisis.
Archive for the ‘Comedic Nuggets’ Category
This Sunday I was checking out the list of local best-sellers and was shocked…maybe horrified is a better word…at what I discovered. What does it say about DC that the #2 bestselling nonfiction paperback is The Official SAT Study Guide (Second Edition)? The SATs?? This is what Washington, DC, our nation’s capital is interested in? To quote John McEnroe, “You cannot be serious!!” Over the years, I’ve tried to defend DC’s fashion sense when NYC and LA fashionistas refuse to believe that we wear anything but beige or one color pantsuits. But SATs. This is indefensible. Even I didn’t know DC was this dull.
From the Washington Post: “another staff account received nearly 1,800 access denials for pornography Web sites in a two-week period and had more than 600 images saved on her laptop’s hard drive.” I don’t know about you but as a woman I was thrilled and a little proud when I read this. Finally! Trolling for porn is not just for men anymore. You go, girl! Somewhere, Betty Friedan is smiling. We’ve come a long way, baby!
The commercial features a woman happily recollecting how, with the help of her children and a drug, she was able to give up smoking. Then a voice-over matter-of-factly says…
Some people have had changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts or actions while using CHANTIX to help them quit smoking. Some people had these symptoms when they began taking CHANTIX, and others developed them after several weeks of treatment or after stopping CHANTIX. If you, your family, or caregiver notice agitation, hostility, depression, or changes in behavior, thinking, or mood that are not typical for you, or you develop suicidal thoughts or actions, anxiety, panic, aggression, anger, mania, abnormal sensations, hallucinations, paranoia, or confusion, stop taking CHANTIX and call your doctor right away. Also tell your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems.
HELLO …………Isn’t something wrong if you DON’T feel hostile??????? You’re trying to quit smoking and you’re not going to feel hostile, agitated or depressed? Shouldn’t you be more concerned if you stop smoking and your personality suddenly turns sunny and light? After years of smoking and now without your crutch, shouldn’t you want to punch out someone who looks at you the wrong way?
I don’t own a Toyota, but I’m freaked anyway and I think with good reason. First Toyota had the acceleration problems…was it the floor mats, the pedals…act of God…they don’t know. Now it’s steering problems. I don’t want to be in the car in front of a Toyota and find I suddenly have a new passenger in my back seat. I don’t want to be in the car in either the lane left or right of a Toyota when it swings wildly from side to side and I find I can touch it without rolling down my window. It occurs to me that the safest place on the highway for me to be is to be in a Toyota!
The world is all abuzz about the results from the testing of King Tut’s DNA and CT scans. It seems that he died of complications from a broken leg exacerbated by malaria. What’s most shocking to me is that he might be from West Virginia! The tests show that his parents were most likely brother and sister. Who knew?
The local weather expert said “no worries” about the predicted snow storm for DC. The snow would be so light and fluffy that we’d just need a broom to clean off the sidewalks and driveways. He forgot one small detail…we would need an INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH BROOM. The snow was so bad they had to cut short the farewell DC/hello China party for Tai Shan. Poor thing will have a hard time adjusting to fresh bamboo after a steady diet of bamboozicles.
We women like to think that when it comes to multi-tasking we lord it over the opposite sex. Yes, we do the carpools, take care of the kids, prepare meals, do the laundry, clean the house and often have full-time jobs outside the home. BUT given recent events, these tasks seem really mundane…chump change when compared to the kind of multi-tasking in which our male counterparts are partaking. How do we stack up against the likes of Mark Sanford, Elliott Spitzer, John Edwards and Tiger Woods? What these men did was mind-boggling. And the juggling? It’s hard to fathom. Researching a new path to the Appalachian Trail via Argentina while governing AND finding time to meet one’s soul mate…Fighting crime, running a state AND booking one’s own escorts and rooms (add a few points for saving time finding local talent, instead relying upon tried and true resources from one’s own home town)…Finding the best hair stylists on the planet FOR YOURSELF while running for president, hiring and scheduling time for film makers, storytelling on Nightline, making videos, running two households AND bonus points for not wasting time with condoms…And finally we come to the mother of, or should I say father of, all multi-taskers…Becoming one of the best athletes of all time, earning bajillions in endorsements, developing and living several identities without anyone noticing, having ready “partners” in every part of the U.S. (living one’s own Big Love without the complexities of living together) AND adding precious minutes to the day by not erasing text messages or talking to police. We women are pikers!! Where is Oprah when we need her?Merely running a media empire. You can do more! Hillary…Mom, wife, lawyer, First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State…puhlease…how much effort does that really take? Come on ladies…get it together…there is work to be done!!
So, I’ve been trying to lose a few pounds. My friends and family give me the standard, “you look fine. You were too skinny before.” Yeah, right. People close to you might not be able to tell you the truth, but sometimes truth comes from unexpected places…your food. The other morning I reached for a banana from the bunch sitting on top of my refrigerator and what did I find…a label on that one banana saying, “lose weight.” Excuse me…Lose weight? Do you think I’d be eating bananas if I was trying to pack on the pounds? Why not put this label on the gallon of Häagen-Dazs sitting in my freezer? What’s next, a “stay sober” button on my bottle of Jack Daniels …a “read a book” bulletin from my TV? I just ask.
The big news coming out of the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show is 3-D television. You heard right, 3D—right in your living room or god forbid, bedroom. We could be spending a lot of time with these attractive—NOT—glasses. A few thoughts…
One of the first networks to go 3-D will be ESPN. Now there are some people, men in particular, who watch ESPN non-stop. Ten hours or more is a long time to wear those heavy glasses (I’m allowing time for sleeping and working). What about the men who have to wear regular glasses just to see the screen? Now they are going to be wearing 3-D glasses on top of those glasses. That is a lot of weight on a fragile piece of flesh. Won’t there be a lot of men with huge dents on their noses…or worse still, broken noses? And what about older men, like my Dad? He’s retired and watches ESPN all day, just taking time out to sleep. His skin has already thinned with age. What harmful effects will this cause to his nose? The good news is, I suppose, that this will mean more business for plastic surgeons, who will be pressed into service to repair these noses.
And then there is the issue of the bedroom. Nothing says “I’m in the mood for love” than someone in bed wearing a pair of 3-D glasses or worse still, two pairs of glasses. On the other hand, I suppose these glasses could be the alternative to the pill.